Thursday, September 13, 2007

This One's My Favorite

16. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)I'm taking a survey, trying to find one person, other than me, who watched the Cardinals game to the very end. "I did," said Rich Dalrymple, the Cowboys' PR director. Sorry, you don't qualify. Has to be Eastern time zone, which means until 1:30 a.m. "You didn't say that," he says. Well, I said it now. Hey, don't bother me. I'm busy.
Wow. Take a minute and read that over. This man is paid to analyze football. This man is paid, large sums of money, to analyze football. Does he?

He begins by alluding to the fact that the game was on very late...and then continues. No justification for his ranking. Of course, part of the reason the west coast teams are the ones playing that late game is it's not that late for their fans. Besides, is 1:30 late? I think that Dr. Z is just grumpy because he couldn't get up in time to beat the breakfast rush at Denny's.

Notice further, that he actually goes to the trouble to drop in Rich Dalrymple's bold-faced name in the middle of what I presume is a fictional story (at least it would fit my theory that he writes this on the john the day it's due). He had to name-drop a PR director in some bullshit anecdote. That's like bragging about getting to 1st base with a sex doll.

So in conclusion, the 49ers are the 16th best team in the NFL, because their first game was on very late.

Welcome to Dr. Z's house of madness

So, we haven't updated for a while, but Dr. Z's first power ratings of the season came out, so it's hard not to feel like a kid in a candy store. Let's take a look at this:
10. Chicago Bears (0-1)
San Diego LB Matt Wilhelm on the instructions his position coach Ron Rivera gave about trash talking to Rex Grossman: "He told us that Rex was kind of a mental midget so you can get into his head and create that doubt." Careful, there's not much room.
Hmmm. Nice little anecdote to lead into the analysis. Oh, that's all? I guess Ron Rivera could be decently familiar with Rex, since he was in the same building very often in his tenure with the Bears. Didn't really deal with the offensive players much, so it might just be some bold talk he used to fire up his team...nah, football coaches never do that. Anyway, Dr. Z decided to put the Bears, 2 time defending NFC North Champions 10th, behind the Titans, Panthers, Bengals, Cowboys (whose defense allowed Manning to throw for 312 yards and 4 touchdowns in a partial game, and allowed Derrick -fucking- Ward to hang a 6.8 average for 89 yards rushing) and the Broncos who barely scraped by the Bills. His supporting evidence for this? Ron Rivera says Grossman is a mental midget. That is why the Bears lost to a team with Philip Rivers, LT, Antonio Gates, and Shawn "Gigantour" Merriman. Not the three lost fumbles, or Benson's ineffectiveness, or the Chargers getting all kinds of pressure.

Besides, how is it insulting to say that Grossman's head isn't full of a lot of space? That's just an inept insult. If he's dumb, his head should be ALL space. Unless Dr. Z was just saying that Grossman's head is unusually small (the Juan Pierre of quarterbacks? nope, just wrong).

More of Z!!

Some of this stuff was too good to not post.

Miami Dolphins (0-1)
Yeah, I know, they gave the Skins a tussle in Washington and took them down to the wire, but I still ask this question: How do you let a player like Wes Welker go when you could have signed him for peanuts?

Okay. Wes Welker was traded to the New England Patriots for a third round pick. That's GREAT value for Welker. But thats not even the point. His quote was "when you could have signed him for peanuts."

He was TRADED!!!!! He was UNDER CONTRACT and then he was TRADED!!!


Titans 4th in Dr. Z's Power Rankings

Not a whole lot you can say about this one.