ESPN "Blogger" Gene Wojciechowski was this close to writing one of the worst journalistic pieces of all time, only to find out that he, like myself, is not a journalist at all.
Will someone please give Jay Cutler his pacifier, hand him his favorite blankie and put him back in his crib for his afternoon nap? Because if he cries anymore about a trade that didn't happen, we'll have to check his Pampers.
Quick update: Denver was interested in Matt Cassel, and due only to extremely unfortunate circumstances, their offer for him ended up falling through, so they are stuck with 25 year old pro bowl QB Jay Cutler. Poor souls.
Cutler, for some godforsaken reason, doesn't like that his name has come up in trade talks. What a goddamn fucking child, right?
But the mere thought of a possible trade upset Cutler so much that he went into full waaaa-waaaa-waaaa mode, wailing like an infant. Why are they being so mean to me? That sort of thing.
"I'm upset," he told The Denver Post. "I mean, I'm really shocked at this point."
Apparently, Cutler's agent (Bus Cook) is also a whiny child:
James "Bus" Cook told The Associated Press, "Nobody's going to call the [New York] Giants and ask for Eli [Manning]. Nobody's calling the [Indianapolis] Colts asking about Peyton [Manning]. [Tom] Brady? Come on. So, why call Denver and ask about Jay? And if they do call, why not say, 'That's not for discussion. What else do you want?'"
Uh, these are the Denver Broncos. Obviously, since they had a strong defensive showing last year (i.e. better than the Lions), the only way they can possibly compete in the ferocious AFC West is by tinkering with their QB situation. Or by winning one of their last three games, and/or beating the Raiders at home.
Either or really.
Why call Denver and ask about Cutler? Because the Broncos haven't reached the playoffs since the 2005 season.
Neither have the Bills, Texans, Bengals, Browns, Raiders, Lions, Rams, or 49ers (1/4 of the league). In fact, none of those franchises have sniffed the success that Cutler and the Broncos have had in the last three years.
Because Cutler's record as a starter is 17-20.
Loser! Cut him!
Because new Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels just happened to coach Cassel last season.
He also coached Jabar Gaffney. Looks like Brandon Marshall is in trouble. Wait, no, I didn't mean...
And Cassel's team finished 11-5, including a 41-7 victory against Cutler's Broncos in October.
Yeah, even Jake Plummer beat the Patriots! Jake Plummer is not a loser, right?
Nobody is calling the Giants and the Colts about the Manning brothers because the Manning brothers actually reach the postseason and have won Super Bowls. And here's guessing somebody called the Patriots asking whether Brady might be available.
Ave. Manning Brothers playoff apperences, first three seasons: 1.5
Total Manning Brothers playoff wins, first three seasons: 0
Total Manning Brothers playoff wins, non-Super Bowl seasons: 3
Total Manning Brothers playoff wins, non-Super Bowl seasons, not over (non-loser) Jake Plummer and the Denver Broncos: 1
But Shanahan is Broncos history. It happens. Last week it happened to 11-time Pro Bowl linebacker Derrick Brooks of the Bucs. He was cut after 14 years.
Brooks didn't pout like Cutler. And his agent didn't issue any angry criticisms of the Bucs' decision. Instead, Brooks articulated the essential truth of the NFL: It's business, not personal.
Derrick Brooks: 36 year old linebacker
Jay Cutler: 25 year old Quarterback
Comparability Factor: Asinine
So what if the Broncos considered proposals from the Bucs? Who cares whether they listened to an offer from the Detroit Lions? When you haven't reached the playoffs since '05, when you gag away a three-game division lead with three games left, you listen to everybody about anybody.
Come to think about it, what's so bad about the Bucs? New coach -- Raheem Morris. New tight end -- Kellen Winslow. Newly re-upped wide receivers -- Antonio Bryant (franchise-tagged) and Michael Clayton. And did we mention that Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall was arrested again?
Nothing's bad about the Bucs. The Bucs didn't gag away a playoff spot by losing their final three games including a loss to the Raiders at home!
Oh wait, they most definitely did.
Looks like Brandon Marshall IS in trouble, again.
"If they were in fact trying to trade Jay Cutler, then I think that's a situation that's going to cause a very serious problem for the organization," Cook huffed and puffed.
Why? Because Cutler's precious feelings were hurt? Please.
Well, I'd think it'd have something to do with the obscene amount of points this team gives up and the fact that they'd no longer have an offense that could win 8 games independent of this.
But, yeah, Cutler's feelings are the big story here.
The nontrade causes serious problems only if Cutler wants it that way. To whine about the Broncos' kicking the tires on a trade accomplishes nothing. Especially from a guy with zero playoff appearances and a grand total of 37 NFL games.
Cutler has accomplished nothing in this league. He has pretty passing numbers, but so what? It's time for him to do a Brooks and grow up. It's time for him to spit out the pacifier.
37 games, whoa! That's like when he started 35 games at Vanderbilt and didn't even lead them to a measly bowl game! C'mon, that's a given once every 40 years!