Made

This might sound like splitting hairs, but it epitomizes a really disturbing trend in football analysis, so I have to post it. Phil Simms is certainly not the only guilty party, but he is the funniest:

"Troy Smith is in his second start today, and did really well last week, but he's gotta learn to make them....make you....beat them deep."

Might not be an exact quote. Phil Simms made me make him make me make myself have trouble remembering who made who make what by making this.

Anyway, if you enjoy hating dickish place kickers as much as I do, or if you're looking for some sort of reason to be happy about the Pats going undefeated, you'll love this post over at KissingSuzyKolber. You might also want to check and see if that video of Bill Gramatica injuring himself celebrating a field goal is still on YouTube. That stuff's hilarious.

Cloud over Baltimore just self-satisfaction

The dense, impenetrable cloud that hung over Baltimore this Monday night has dissipated. The sound of gun shots and foul stench remains, but locals report they are "used to it".

The Ravens gave the Patriots all....well, most....that they could handle, in a stadium that was filled to the brim, and, amazingly, a couple of fans were able to squeeze in between the collective egos of Bill Belichek, Brian Billick, and Don Shula.

The Patriots remained undefeated, leading Shula to trade in the champagne for enormous quantities of Nutrasystem low-carb whiskey. Brian Billick was seen kissing...his job good-bye.

This just in, the 72 Dolphins are all assholes

Mercury Morris, running back and douchebag extradinaire spoke out this week, explaining that the Patriots are nowhere near accomplishing the great achievement of his 72 Dolphins. The always modest Morris pointed out that no one has surpassed their magnificence yet, and that the Patriots have 10 more games to go (though this is a matter of opinion, since the Dolphins of course played fewer games).


Here are some totally unrelated facts:

• 72 Dolphins' opponent winning% .396
• 72 Dolphins' points scored-points allowed 14 game season : 214
• 2007 Patriots points scored-points allowed 9 games in: 208

I don't even like the Patriots, but if they do it, they will be about a hundred thousand times better than the 72 Dolphins, and I sort of wouldn't mind seeing it just to shut these old farts up. That said, I think every football fan secretly hopes it's his favorite team that finally gets to do the honors.

Just for comparison, and as a contingency in case the Pats don't make it:

• 85 Bears' opponent winning% .500
• 85 Bears' points scored - points allowed (including fluky Miami loss) ADJUSTED TO 14 GAME SEASON: 225.75
  (originally 258)